Mother’s Day can sometimes feel complicated … bittersweet, even. My mom died a little over a year after I got married, and two years before I became a mom myself. I missed her even more after my son was born, because I realized that now we had a huge thing in common, except we couldn’t share it because she was no longer here. Had I known, I would have asked her so many more questions and bottled the answers for when I needed them. How did I think to ask for her recipes, but not nuggets of parenting wisdom?
I’m an empty nester now, but there are some pearls of wisdom I learned along the way. If I could roll back the clock, learning a few of them earlier may have saved some unnecessary stress over the years.
1) Look for the lessons your children can teach YOU. From the earliest days, I realized my kiddos were often teaching me, and I had lots to learn. There were many times that I went to bed realizing that I may have learned more from my toddlers that day, than they may have learned from me. There’s a lot you can learn or be reminded of from kids if you pay attention, such as:
the present moment is what counts
it’s good to ask for help
creativity is fun
games are fun too
wonder is all around us
laughter, silliness, and joy can be found in the simplest things
everyone starts out as a beginner
getting up after falling down is a reason to celebrate
and it’s fun to try new things … just to name a few.
2) Pursue a full and vibrant life. Pursuing your dreams, investing in your personal growth, and living life to the full is not selfish. It benefits your kids and all your relationships when you are flourishing in body, mind and spirit. Living your dreams now rather than putting your life on hold prevents you from becoming resentful, and removes an unhealthy burden from your children. Carl Jung said, “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.” Take that pressure off them, and show them what’s possible as you live life to the full!
3) Know your typical stress reaction, and your usual healthy stress response. All of us have a typical unhealthy stress reaction, and it can take many forms, but can be categorized as: shame, blame, escape or control. What’s your go to? I tend to blame (myself or others) or attempt to control (circumstances or people). It rarely creates the outcome I desire! When things are going well, we have a healthier stress response. In my finer moments, I tend to find a way to be of service or look for an opportunity, which helps me see options and creates better outcomes for everyone. When worse comes to worse and you’ve flipped your lid, even toddlers understand when “mommy needs a time out” and can entertain themselves for a few minutes in a safe environment while you take a few for yourself. And breathe.
4) Understand that your kids’ mistakes and failures are natural and good. Kids make mistakes and sometimes fail for the same reason you do: they’re not perfect, because they’re human. Right? So remember: it’s not about you. As long as you recognize mistakes and failures as the learning opportunities that they are, home and family remains a safe place for your children to learn and grow. Once they decide that mistakes aren’t safe at home, they stop taking risks and play safe. They figure out their comfort zone and stay within it, becoming perfectionists in the process.
5) Nurture your relationship with their father, and the Father. Two of the biggest gifts you can give your kids is to love their father well, and to nurture your faith. Strengthening your marriage will positively affect your kids by boosting their sense of security and wellbeing. If you’re a single mom, do your best not to disparage their father or vilify “all” men. Your children’s identity is passed down from their father and it’s not fair for them to be in the firing line between you and your ex. Do the work to release grudges and find forgiveness for the sake of your children, if not your own peace. Also, nurture your faith and plant seeds all through their life, trusting it’s not in vain. They need to make a personal choice on faith when they grow older, but as they observe your faith through the years it makes an impression. I didn’t start reading the Bible until my late 20s, and I was amazed when reading the Psalms, Proverbs and epistles how much scripture my mom shared over the years. She planted those seeds in everyday conversation. When she died, I found a well worn bible in her bedside table and I recognized my mom’s deep and quiet faith as a gift to me and my sisters.
What are some pearls of wisdom that you learned from your mom, or through your motherhood journey? Please share below, we learn so much in community!
Why not treat yourself or your favorite mom to a gift of personal growth? I’m offering 45-minute complimentary coaching consultations to my readers this month. Book yours here now to find out if my coaching is compatible with your needs.
